LESSONS ON DUDES: P. III

We're back again y'all! With a bigger, badder Q+A than ever before. 

Y'all really seem to dig these and I am forever thankful that you do. Nothing is cooler to me than actually having y'all confide in me and turn to me with relationship or life advice. Feel free to read part 1 and part 2 here. 

Now, I will be the first to admit that I don't exactly have all of my shit together when it comes to dudes. Do I have my own guy issues now and again? UM, DUH. But I think the way I process things mixed with the amount of fuckboys I have dealt with in life has given me the right tools to come into situations with a much more interesting perspective on dudes than you would get from most chicks. 

Are you going to like everything I am about to say? Probably not. But, is it your daily dose of realness that your friend Bethany ISN'T going to give you while you're crying into your mimosa at brunch? Yes. Friends sometimes enable our dumbass girl behavior and say shit like "OMG he's such an ass. You deserve so much better!" And yes, while you deserve the world, we all know he's probably not really an ass and you're probably being a bit dramatic. 

So buckle up, let's get into it. 

Q+A

Q: What's your best advice for someone who is frustrated with their current romantic situation?

A: Why are you frustrated with it? Because you don't have a boyfriend? WHO CARES?! I was "single" for the past 3-ish years and can honestly say they were some of my best because I was able to really find myself and figure out what I was looking for in someone else.

You don't need a boyfriend. You need a hobby (and maybe a vibrator, or something). 

Being single is a blessing, but you need to be in the right state of mind to fully appreciate it. Being single is YOUR time. You can do whatever you want. You have full control of the food you cook, how you decorate, and what you watch on Netflix. And that only lasts for so long, sis, so treasure it.

Being single is the perfect time to learn who you are. Know yourself. Love yourself. The better you know who you are, the easier finding the "right" partner will be. You'll stop wasting your time because you'll be able to more easily identify what it is or isn't that you like in people. 

One of my biggest pieces of advice to girls is to STOP LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND. You need to learn to be content and perfectly happy on your own before you can ever be happy with someone else. Once you do that, you'll be a whole hell of a lot less frustrated with your relationship status. 

Q: Is screwing your ex to keep your body count low wise or risky business?

A: Are you fucking high? That is the worst idea I have literally ever heard. Ever.

They are ex's for a reason and justifying screwing them to keep "your number" down is the dumbest rationale I have ever come across. 

It's 2019. Yes, I realize girls want to maintain some sort of goody-goody angel image by having a "low" number but TBH, if I were a prospective suitor of yours I would be more worried about the fact that you keep fucking your ex rather than the fact that you have slept with a few extra people. 

Stop that shit. That's self-sabotage.

Q: I just broke off my two year engagement and he blocked me like I don't exist? Why? So sad. 

A: ...Well, it probably is because you broke off a two year engagement. 

But seriously, what would you expect? If you were thinking you wanted this person in your life then you probably shouldn't have called it off. Obviously people you're in relationships with become a huge part of your life and having them just drop you like a fly can be super hard, but that comes with the territory of breaking up and you have to be ready to accept losing that person in the process. 

We all go through times of loss after a breakup. You're literally losing your best friend. But he probably is hurt and it's extremely hard to have someone dangled in front of you, especially once that person starts to move on. 

Q: What's the best first date?

A: Personally, I like first dates to be as low key as humanly possible. I get extreme dinner-date anxiety when I'm asked to go to a sit down dinner with someone I don't even know. Like, you're going to make me sit at a table for two hours with a complete stranger? Oh, and order a meal within the first 10 minutes. And you know that waiter is about to come ask you what you want to eat the second your conversation starts to actually flow somewhat normally. (Queue Vince Vaughn's dating rant at the beginning of Wedding Crashers). 

Dudes, do all of yourselves a favor, take us to a fun place where we can "grab a drink" and order food while seated AT the bar. Preferably while there is a half decent sporting event on that we can all pretend to be interested in incase one of y'all sucks at conversation so it's not painfully awkward.

Girls, feel free to suggest something like this to potential suitors. We all would rather be eating nachos and wings rather than steak (let's be real) and your dude will be super appreciative that he's not having to drop $100 plus on a girl who probably won't finish her meal anyway and he doesn't even know yet.

Q: Does size matter?

A: Yes & no.

You need enough to play the game properly, but let's be real, after about the first three, four inches or so, they're just showing off ...and you'll probably end up with organ damage.

For men out there with fun-sized snickers, I would just highly recommend getting really good at oral sex. And girls, if your Mr. Right is not #blessed in that department, be thankful that going southbound will be significantly easier on you.

Q: How do you break it off with the nice guy thats just "too nice"?

A: There is no such thing as guys that are too nice. There are guys who are nice who you just aren't into.

Don't disrespect a dude by telling him he's "too nice" for you. He's probably a great dude but you're not the girl for him. And guess what? That's totally ok.

In my opinion, there's no need to hurt someone by telling them you don't want them. But you also don't want to play mind games or give them the run around. Quietly bow out by letting them know you may be at different points in life right now and that you've got a bunch going on. Or just start to really pump the breaks. Stop texting as much. Shorten your responses (you know, switch it to the "oh nice!" or "haha thats awesome!") eventually they should get the hint without having to have a big convo about it and hopefully without hurting anyone. 

Q: Where can I find a guy outside of dating apps?

A: Literally all over. We've gotten anti-social as a society. No one talks to each other anymore. Like it's not hard here, people. How do you think any of our parents met? There were no apps. They had to, ya know, like, SPEAK to each other... IN PERSON. 

It may seem hard, but girls, if you want to meet people you may just have to grow a pair and start up a conversation with someone. If you are too chicken-shit to do so, then at least try to pull him in by acting like you're having fun with what you're doing, smiling, and GET OFF YOUR DAMN PHONE. You can facetune your group shot and scroll through insta tomorrow. 

Find quality dudes anywhere. The gym. Church. The grocery store. Mutual friends. Bars. Look around, there's hot dudes everywhere. 

Q: I'm sick of texting him first. How do I get him to chase me?

A: This one may be a hard pill to swallow for some of y'all... but if he's not showing initiative and texting first (at least part of the time), then it probably means he's not that interested. If a dude likes you, he will show it. Don't let your friends bullshit you with "he's probably really busy" or "maybe he's just shy." STFU, Karen. 

Here's a test: Stop texting first and see what happens. If you hear from him within a few days, you're gucci. If you don't, sorry sister. And even if a few weeks later he hits you with a "WYD" it does not mean he likes you... it probably means he wants to bone. So be aware.

Stop wasting your time on guys who wont give you the time of day. There are 3.7 billion men on this earth... find a new one who will text you first. 

Q: Are girls as crazy as guys say we are?

A: Girls are fucking nuts. Have you met, like, any girl ever?

The ones who are truly batshit are the ones who can admit to the fact that we're all psychopaths in some capacity. 

Please watch this video for further info on what is tolerable for your personal level of crazy. This may also help to explain why some of y'all are single.